first year of being nicotine free!

Today marks the first year of being nicotine free! It was definitely hard but I'm glad I made it through.

This kitty def reminds me of me during the first few weeks.

The movie, "The gods must be crazy", saved my life.

Currently, Monkey and I are subleasing a small cozy 1 bedroom apt near the Hollywood hills. I noticed that no one walked their dogs late at night and I didn't know why. Until I came home late one night and had to park a few blocks away from the apt. As I had parked and was getting out of my car, I saw a stray dog speed walking down the hill. I called for it, "here doggy doggy!". It turned and looked at me and it wasn't a domesticated dog. It was a coyote. I freaked and sat in my car and waited, hoping he'd gain some distance. A few minutes pass and I think enough time passed and Mr. Coyote was long gone. I head down the hill to my little cozy apt when I'm confronted by another coyote! We are walking towards each other on the sidewalk, looking at each other in the eye. I suddenly remember a scene the movie "The gods must be crazy", where this little boy is being stalked by an animal and he had to make himself appear bigger so he wouldn't be attacked. I don't know what made me think of that movie but being short, I wasn't going to risk it. So, to make myself look bigger, I put my arms up in the air, my purse by my head, stomping towards it. We take steps closer and closer, playing chicken, at about 10 feet apart, he finally goes around me and runs up the hill. I think " I WIN!" but victory is short lived when the sound of a leaf falling made my heart drop. If it weren't for my quick thinking and the movie, "the gods must be crazy", I wouldn't have made it home to check my panties to see if they were soiled.

Here doggy doggy! coyote coyote!

other career options

Since the creative industry is taking a beating, I thought of other avenues that could be a possibility for me and I think I could be a singer. J.Lo has convinced me that you don't have to know a thing about singing and make bajillions(yes, that is a real word) of dough. Come on! I was in the choir in the 6th grade. I too can dance to look like I am under the influence of drugs.
                                             
                                             J.Lo: me?!
                                             Me: Yes, You, J.Lo. You stole my career.

from the heart

Coming from a creative background, then conforming to the average population is taking its toll on me. My current work sometimes allows me to be creative, most of the times not. I am supposed to be this creative beast. HEAR ME ROAR!

But until then,

To be whole, let yourself break.
To be straight, let yourself bend.
To be full, let yourself be empty.
To be new, let yourself wear out.
To have everything, give everything up.

Knowing others is a kind of knowledge;
knowing yourself is wisdom.
Conquering others requires strength;
conquering yourself is true power.
To realize that you have enough is true wealth.
Pushing ahead may succeed,
but staying put brings endurance.
Die without perishing, and find the eternal.

To know that you do not know is strength.
Not knowing that you do not know is a sickness.
The cure begins with the recognition of the sickness.

Knowing what is permanent: enlightenment.
Not knowing what is permanent: disaster.
Knowing what is permanent opens the mind.
Open mind, open heart.
Open heart, magnanimity.

-Tao Te Ching

me

I know that everyone walks around w. some deal of pain. Scars that accumulated throughout your life that just never fully healed. You bury them and shut yourself off from feeling anything that brings you back to that dark time. You spend a great deal of time distracting yourself. You go into denial believing that you're ok and ignore it, but you are in constant pain. Some days are better than others. On a good day, you can handle stressing situations w. ease.. like a piece of cake and it just solidifies your belief that everything is ok. On a bad day, the slightest pain or discomfort causes you to just come undone.  You find yourself saying and doing things that the better day version of you wouldn't do. Your anger doesn't fit the situation and you desire to cause others pain. You justify the pain you feel, to hurt others. Once you become lucid again, you realize that it wasn't the situation at hand. If you look closer, its connected to that thing you buried. You look back and hopefully, you acknowledge all the destruction and pain you've caused to those who love and care about you the most. Its heartbreaking to know that the ones you always hurt are the ones who love you. You fear beling alone but you, alone, are the driving force that keeps people away. You become a self fulfilling prophecy.

My personal work didn't make me perfect. It made me compassionate. It taught me that people are still good. Just sometimes their emotions get the best of them and make them do bad things. They didn't do this TO me, they just temporarily checked out. So, I get it. You're not a bad person. I'm not judging you. I wish you healing, so you may be loved like you deserve.

I believe if you don't heal your pain, you'll never stop bleeding and continue to hurt others.