pants on fire

I was recently contacted by someone's about their significant other. I haven't spoken to that person in ages and the things they were inquiring about has stirred quite a bit of curiosity in me. Has something happened to expose their significant other? I wonder what prompted his search for answers.

His situation struck a cord with me with a recent happening. When my relationships are made, I give them 100% trust and am 100% loyal. I keep mental notes of  things they do that are positive/negative. I'll keep the negative notes to myself. But when I catch them doing something such as lying, the house of cards begin to crumble. Trust goes out the window, and my mind starts to race and I begin to question their authenticity. Has the same thing happened to them? Anyways, in my case, I don't know if its even worth confronting them. They'll just probably tell me another lie to cover up for their previous lie.

Creative consitpation

Being a creative and with the lack of work coming in, I have been inspired to create in all facets. I have been dabbled with culinary arts for awhile now, and now I will challenge myself to bake again!

I was raised by Korean immigrant parents and I was born in the US. Growing up, there were a lot of fights that my mother could not understand. I guess the older generation was a breed of codependency. Where children pleased their parents and sought their parents' approval on everything: school, career, who they dated, marriage. Being obedient is what defined a "good son/daughter". Me on other hand did nothing previously mentioned. By her definition, I was the "bad daughter". After years of screaming and door slamming, I explained to her that we had a culture clash and we were brought up in different realities. I told her that this was my life and I was going to live it MY WAY. I don't think she understands the whole codependency issue because she still says "you used to be such a good child. I don't know what happened". I may not a "good child" by her definition but I sure am a happy independent child.

strange how six years have passed and still the pain is just as real today as it was then. all it takes is just one trigger to unleash the flurry of vulnerability and fear to paralyze me. the only thing that comforts me is knowing what i didn't know then; i don't always have to be strong and it is ok to be vulnerable.

the conflict i am now faced with is the juliet that was created six years ago promised to never be vulnerable, to always be strong, and not to rely on anyone. as i'm coming closer to sharing my life with another person, the old mold isn't fitting into this part of my life. its petrifying to lose control and the way of living safe. to that i say it is ok.  

carpe diem

life

ain't that the truth.

when all else fails, just dance!

phase 1: identify the issue; you're not sure if its an actual issue but it is something that does frustrate you. after trying to ignore it, the frustration grows into what is now an issue.

phase 2: communicate the issue. words will be exchanged. egos will be bruised.

phase 3: issue will resolve and you think its put behind you. its the calm after the storm. you think its smooth sailing from here on out.

then comes phase 4: revert back to phase 1.

wash, rinse, repeat.

frustrated? don't be.
you’re gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.

Surprised by my loves

Another birthday has come and gone and I am left feeling so elated. Turning another leaf wasn't something I was exactly looking forward to but my friends and my love made it so easy. I don't make my birthdays out to be a big deal but they still went out of their way to show me they love me. I will forever be loyal to them.

I love my friends and my love

aging

The time comes to turn a year older, a year wiser(hopefully). I'm definitely feeling my body changing. My hang overs seem to last longer. Takes me longer to get over colds. I get heartburn if I eat spicy or greasy at night. My skin is noticeably drier. I'm noticing fine lines but nothing too bad.. yet. I splurged and bought myself an early birthday gift(s). One of them being skin care. I spent over $400 on Shiseido's anti aging line. It definitely moisturizes and my skin feels a bit tighter. It leavings my skin feeling "chok chok hae". In English, meaning moist and tight. So far, so good.

 

Don't fail me now. Mama's going to hold on as long as she can!

One of my many loves

FOOD!

 

I love Parisian macarons.

The colors are bright, fun, exciting. Biting into one to guess the flavor is never disappointing. If I'm craving one past business hours, you can find me looking at pictures of them. no joke.

During my moments of sheer panic, wish I could..

                        :/

update on my uninteresting life

So, this is what I've been dealing with for the past 2 months or so. I have a condition called Sacroiliac Syndrome. Its where the tailbone detaches from the pelvis bone. On top of that, I have a rotated/twisted pelvis. My ENTIRE back has been in pain. My hips click, clunk and make grinding noises.

I have been advised to wear an SI belt to hold my pelvis together.

I know, its sexy. Please contain yourself and try to keep it in your pants.

I was told that if chiro treatments and exercise doesn't work, I'll have to look into surgery. Thats not even the best part. All that grinding sound is from my bones rubbing against each other and that could lead to arthritis.

I CANT WAIT!

I hope my pelvis magically reattaches itself back to my spine because I am slowly turning into a drunk. Alcohol tends to numb my back pain and make everything fade away~

Cuz i realized i got
Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
- Beyonce

deadweight

Aside from annoying the shit out of me, What is your job description?

first year of being nicotine free!

Today marks the first year of being nicotine free! It was definitely hard but I'm glad I made it through.

This kitty def reminds me of me during the first few weeks.

The movie, "The gods must be crazy", saved my life.

Currently, Monkey and I are subleasing a small cozy 1 bedroom apt near the Hollywood hills. I noticed that no one walked their dogs late at night and I didn't know why. Until I came home late one night and had to park a few blocks away from the apt. As I had parked and was getting out of my car, I saw a stray dog speed walking down the hill. I called for it, "here doggy doggy!". It turned and looked at me and it wasn't a domesticated dog. It was a coyote. I freaked and sat in my car and waited, hoping he'd gain some distance. A few minutes pass and I think enough time passed and Mr. Coyote was long gone. I head down the hill to my little cozy apt when I'm confronted by another coyote! We are walking towards each other on the sidewalk, looking at each other in the eye. I suddenly remember a scene the movie "The gods must be crazy", where this little boy is being stalked by an animal and he had to make himself appear bigger so he wouldn't be attacked. I don't know what made me think of that movie but being short, I wasn't going to risk it. So, to make myself look bigger, I put my arms up in the air, my purse by my head, stomping towards it. We take steps closer and closer, playing chicken, at about 10 feet apart, he finally goes around me and runs up the hill. I think " I WIN!" but victory is short lived when the sound of a leaf falling made my heart drop. If it weren't for my quick thinking and the movie, "the gods must be crazy", I wouldn't have made it home to check my panties to see if they were soiled.

Here doggy doggy! coyote coyote!

other career options

Since the creative industry is taking a beating, I thought of other avenues that could be a possibility for me and I think I could be a singer. J.Lo has convinced me that you don't have to know a thing about singing and make bajillions(yes, that is a real word) of dough. Come on! I was in the choir in the 6th grade. I too can dance to look like I am under the influence of drugs.
                                             
                                             J.Lo: me?!
                                             Me: Yes, You, J.Lo. You stole my career.

from the heart

Coming from a creative background, then conforming to the average population is taking its toll on me. My current work sometimes allows me to be creative, most of the times not. I am supposed to be this creative beast. HEAR ME ROAR!

But until then,

To be whole, let yourself break.
To be straight, let yourself bend.
To be full, let yourself be empty.
To be new, let yourself wear out.
To have everything, give everything up.

Knowing others is a kind of knowledge;
knowing yourself is wisdom.
Conquering others requires strength;
conquering yourself is true power.
To realize that you have enough is true wealth.
Pushing ahead may succeed,
but staying put brings endurance.
Die without perishing, and find the eternal.

To know that you do not know is strength.
Not knowing that you do not know is a sickness.
The cure begins with the recognition of the sickness.

Knowing what is permanent: enlightenment.
Not knowing what is permanent: disaster.
Knowing what is permanent opens the mind.
Open mind, open heart.
Open heart, magnanimity.

-Tao Te Ching

me

I know that everyone walks around w. some deal of pain. Scars that accumulated throughout your life that just never fully healed. You bury them and shut yourself off from feeling anything that brings you back to that dark time. You spend a great deal of time distracting yourself. You go into denial believing that you're ok and ignore it, but you are in constant pain. Some days are better than others. On a good day, you can handle stressing situations w. ease.. like a piece of cake and it just solidifies your belief that everything is ok. On a bad day, the slightest pain or discomfort causes you to just come undone.  You find yourself saying and doing things that the better day version of you wouldn't do. Your anger doesn't fit the situation and you desire to cause others pain. You justify the pain you feel, to hurt others. Once you become lucid again, you realize that it wasn't the situation at hand. If you look closer, its connected to that thing you buried. You look back and hopefully, you acknowledge all the destruction and pain you've caused to those who love and care about you the most. Its heartbreaking to know that the ones you always hurt are the ones who love you. You fear beling alone but you, alone, are the driving force that keeps people away. You become a self fulfilling prophecy.

My personal work didn't make me perfect. It made me compassionate. It taught me that people are still good. Just sometimes their emotions get the best of them and make them do bad things. They didn't do this TO me, they just temporarily checked out. So, I get it. You're not a bad person. I'm not judging you. I wish you healing, so you may be loved like you deserve.

I believe if you don't heal your pain, you'll never stop bleeding and continue to hurt others.

me

I'd rather be happy
than right. :)

happy love day.

tell everyone that means something to you just how much they mean to you.

from the heart

Thinking about you...
Sending you light and love your way.

From AdFreak:

"This year's most offensive MLK Day sale ad
By David Kiefaber on Jan 20 2011

Where do you start with this one? A surf shop in Laguna Beach, Calif., is in trouble for this sale ad celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day earlier this week. So, which is most offensive—Photoshopping his face on to a surfer; offering a 20 percent discount on all black items in the store; or putting the headline "Respect" above this disaster? I know, tough call. "It's our slow time of the year, so we're always getting creative," the store's owner, Nick Cocores, says. A little less creativity would be appreciated next time, Nick."


This is why you pay for talent. You leave average folks to their vices and this is what you end up with. *smh

My one and only reader demanded that I update.

I meant to write this before the years end but life happened and I haven't had a moment to myself until now. As I'm sitting here, a bit loopy from the pain killers for a burn from the hot iron, I feel like now is a good time to try to get my thoughts and feelings into complete sentences. So bear with me.

Some people reflect their last year around their birthdays, some reflect back at the end of the year. I am the latter. I can't get over what a whirl wind this year was. I was faced with so many unexpected situations and had to use whatever resources I had to get me through them and I think i did ok.

This past summer, after getting laid off again, I had to figure out what my options were. A blessing or a curse, I don't know, but I can't get myself to rely or depend on anyone. No one will take care of me but me and I refuse to be a burden on anyone else. During this time, I did a lot of soul searching and I'm not sure if it stems from trust or control issues but I just accepted it. With weeks passing and still no income, I had my mind set on moving out of the country to teach English in Korea. Why not? They pay for your apartment + an OK salary. With room paid for, I could save it to travel or use that towards my debt.  I haven't been to Korea as an adult and thought "what a great opportunity".

Once agencies were picked out and when I could muster up the courage to tell each friend that I was leaving, I slowly began to say my hellos and goodbyes, and tried to detach myself from my life here in LA. The load of that was taking its toll on me and my my dearest best friend planned a BBQ on the beach for me with PLENTY of alcohol. Low and behold, my ex boyfriend was invited too. Seeing him brought back many good and bad times. There were residual feelings, but a relationship was not on my list of priorities. I don't know how but we got to talking. A few more weeks passed and I found myself putting Korea on hold and giving love a chance. Yes, money is important but love is just a little more important. I thought I'd be spending the new year over seas and here I am... I'm not sure how this will turn out but I am willing to find out.